Friday, September 14, 2007

Column: Standing guard at the kitchen window with girlie weapons


(There's the nearly useless flyswatter and my favorite brand of wasp killer. I used them both and I'm not a bit sorry about it.)



At around three o’clock Sunday morning, hubby was startled awake by silence. I know, but stay with me.

Summertime means the air conditioner and the fan run all night. Too often I wake in the middle of the night to find that someone fell asleep and forgot to turn off the TV, so if the electricity happens to quit during that time, the sudden quiet would be noticeable.

Thing is, hubby felt the need to inform me. “Something’s wrong,” he whispered as he nudged me.

I found a small flashlight with weakening batteries and handed it over. I think I hit him in the head with it first, but it was an accident.

We made our way over the doggy gate at the top of the stairs, then down to find a bigger flashlight with even weaker batteries. Hubby peaked out the window at our neighbor’s house and pronounced it dark as well. That led to my comment that perhaps it was dark over there because it was after 3 a.m. This seemed like a good time to stick one’s head out the front door to see it the lights were off all over.

The police department and the new Black Hawk center both had lights, but we assume they also have backup power. Everything else was black.

A quick call told us the whole town was out due to maintenance. We both moaned and groaned about how hard it would be to get to sleep without our fan and air conditioner, then we were out until about 7.

Still, if you’re uncomfortable sleeping, you won’t be well rested. We went about our usual Sunday morning routine which is basically nothing. At least that’s what I was doing, sitting in my comfy chair in the living room when I heard a loud bang from the kitchen.

Well, there he was on a ladder making a gigantic hole where the window used to be. This was going to be a Sunday to remember.

If any of you are afraid of hornets, wasps, bees and don’t much like the idea of birds flying around inside your home, you’ll understand how I felt. This window is on the south side of the house, and in less than two hours, the sun would be planted in a most appealing spot for stinging insects.

About this time of year, those little guys start to lose their food supply and they get a tad cranky. What joy for them to find a huge opening into a kitchen full of food, and the only thing between them and lunch was a wild-eyed woman holding wasp spray and a fly swatter that had seen much better days.

Hubby must have measured that opening ten times, and I understand that it’s best to be as sure as you can be before hauling out a window and carrying it up a shaky ladder and shoving it in a hole. However, that three foot by four foot space was a nightmare to guard with girlie weapons. I can only pray the neighbors to the south of us weren’t watching, because I’m sure I looked like an idiot.

We decided I would lift the window from the inside and push it through. I had to hold onto it while hubby put in the first couple of screws, and there were some dicey moments when my sweaty hands almost lost it. In spite of me, we have a nifty window that opens and lets in fresh air.

If that was all that happened Sunday, it would be enough. Instead, my modem went toes up and I was on hold for 30 minutes before being told someone would actually come out that night and fix the problem. I was so afraid I’d missed out on important email, I packed up the laptop, drove within the speed limit to McDonald’s, jumped online and found out that no one sent me a thing. By then I had a headache, and all I wanted to do was go back home.

The technician came out as promised, hooked up the new modem and I was good to go. By then, the day that started at three in the morning was about to wind up. We slept through the night with no more problems. I even smiled as I thought of how happy I was we’d made it through the previous day in spite of its quirks.

This morning, the toilet handle broke.

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